Trust in God
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6, NKJV
Growing up in a broken home with a mother who battled an addiction much of my life, I was always surrounded by trauma, chaos, and instability. Our family went to church on holidays and special occasions.
Becoming a mother and a wife at the age of 17 was a challenge. At that time, I did not have the Holy Spirit to lean on. Yes, we went to church occasionally, but my personal relationship with my Father in Heaven was not there. I was mostly filled with anxiety and leaned on exercise to relieve stress. At least I thought that was working.
My first marriage quickly ended, and I was sent a true angel, my now husband John. We continued going to church as a family of 3, but I still felt I did not belong. Seven years into our marriage, we found out we were expecting twins. We made sure we attended church regularly, and that our twins grew up around Christian caregivers while we worked. Attending church for me was extremely stressful, and socializing at church was so uncomfortable. I still struggle with the social aspect of church.
My mother continued to struggle with addiction. She was hospitalized and during the month she was there, I stayed and loved on her as much as I could. At the conclusion of her hospital stay, I was assigned the hardest decision of my life, and that was to remove my own mother from life support. She was brain dead, and there was no hope of regaining anything. She was in a good relationship with God and I knew it was in God’s hands. She passed when the twins were just 5 years old. I didn’t understand how someone that was supposed to love and guide me could choose drugs over her own daughter.
It was not until the twins and I were baptized at Marion that things for me started to really change. I realized that what I had always done before to fix things myself, or so I thought, really did more harm than good. It was then that I started praying and asking the Lord to teach me, and I truly recognized needed changes. I learned not to lean on my own understanding, but to instead rely on my Father in Heaven. My mother did the best she knew how at the time, and I needed a relationship with the One who created me in His image.
Through my struggles and personal growth, I learned to avoid drugs and became more addicted to the Word of God. Trusting the Lord meant to let go and let God. As it states in Proverbs 3:6, “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths”.